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readerchick87
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Name: Amy
Gender: Female
Interests: Books, People I don't fear or hate, having people decide things for me then just doing whatever I want, Obsessive computer communication, school (i don't like being interested, but i just can't stop myself :x),TV, Movies, Avoiding stuff, chocolate, controled fire, (i'm already bored, why are you still reading?!)
Expertise: Being sort of not normal. Reading for fun. Sitting oddly/putting my feet behind my head. Crying...does that count? Being bad at spelling and other various things.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  readerchick87
MSN: amy@kidindustries.net
ICQ:  218792163
Yahoo:  readerchick87
Member Since:
7/3/2004
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| I feel like crying in English again
I wonder how anyone can live to old age, to survive the crushing passing of time. This demolished sense of hope for a million wished for futures that shall never be. Yet again I can't handle it, so I don't. I push the pain away instead of facing it. I wonder vaguely if this is why I am so broken, have I ever healed? Or do all of these past griefs pill up inside of me until there is room for nothing else.
I'm not depressed right now, just sad and reflective. I've lost another person I love, now I can barely think of him, so he has been pushed so far into my past too quickly.
And another friend, may be gone soon, forever and without retrieve by his own hand. I've felt the same, or at least very similar which makes me feel even more helpless. It feels like watching what may happen to me someday. I have no power, I can try to comfort an overpowering force that refuses solace. It feels like a movie of a murder in slow motion.
I don't want to loose him, and I don't want It to win.
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| - Someone broke into Bradley's car for the second time in less than a month and messed shit up and tried to take his stuff
- The payment to fix this all is causing even more stress in the Pierce house (aka grandpa yelling more)
- That mean, fat ,immature, whining, horrible, drug addicted woman
- Bruce ran away, we had to run and get his shot records and get money to get him out, the pound is super sad, he still needs his booster shots and "snip-snip" (thus more money problems)
- paying for college
- getting my parents to let me go away to school, and figuring out where to live (probably now a dorm
 ) - normal spring cleaning has turned into minor renovation (bathroom sanding and painting)
- both families seem to be yelling or upset almost all the time (mine and his)
- zombies are fun, but also cause stress
- everyone seems to be bothering me lately, thus my misanthropic attitudes
- certain people thinking hurtful lies are funny
- serious scheduling problems with d&d
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| “Things
fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the
world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of
innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are
full of passionate intensity” | | |
| It's hard and it's scary, but it feels like everyone ever thinks they know what's best.
I won't say I've never been one of them, and that in certain main ways that I'm still not.
I do tend to dislike both the relationships of several of my friends, and who they're having them with.
I still hate when a group of 16 year olds goes around chain smoking. I hate seeing friends go down dark scary paths, from alcohol, to pot, to X, to shrooms....
I don't want to see people I care about poison their bodies
it scares me, and it may be dumb, but so many people seem to think that if they're breaking one law, that a few more don't matter either, oh I'm doing stuff under age (or did stuff), now I'm doing illegal stuff, maybe I should sell this illegal stuff too...
and what I talked about last time, I'm sorry I'm not around much, I get kidnapped a lot, now it's just always by the same person, instead of randomly by a few people
I do miss you Char, I like hanging out with you, any time you're over at the pierces (and not hanging out with chase or chad etc instead), or like at the military ball
I actually stuck by my phone the whole night when you said you might call
I'm not good at making contact and plans, most of the time I just sat around waiting for someone else to make them, or kidnap me
I miss you, and I miss Dave, but I don't miss spending most nights at my computer
If you want to do something, ask me to
if you want to talk to me, call me
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| Life is turning out differently than I expected
I know college is probably the safest (and possibly only) real road to secure future and having a good job I enjoy when I'm off on my own.
I don't know what I want to do anymore though. Do I really want to spend five more years of my life studying? reading? writing papers and taking tests? knowing that I have something I should be doing every day of every semester?
I don't know what I'm good at, where my passion lies
It all seems to boil down to money. How do I pay for college? Sadly it looks like if I'd ignored Eastfield I might have been able to get a fairly good scholarship, the transfer scholarships aren't that great. Money equals power and control, unless I want to start my life in debt I have to follow the rules, come home in time and play nice to get college paid, or partially paid.
How can someone hold it against an 18 year old for living with their guardian and not having a job yet?
I'm several kinds of tired, but in many ways I'm happy.
I'm clingy, I've always been clingy. I've spent a lot of my life being sad because a friend, or two, or every friend is busy. I don't want to be that busy friend, but now I finally have someone who actually wants to spend as much time with me as he can. I have a phone, most who count have the number (if you don't and want it just ask), I don't have many minutes, but no one calls so they don't get used up.
If I'm not right here at my computer, you pretty much know where I am. I'm not always sitting at my computer waiting for something to do anymore, which does make me less kidnapable, and I'm sorry. I don't want to lose anyone.
I'm happy. I've found someone who, in those times where things get so bad I physically can't move, or when I break down and put up a wall that blocks everyone out, can make things better. I always hated relationship like this, the people that always wanted to be together. But I don't hate this. You may not like my relationship, but I don't like most of yours (sorry, you already knew).
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